


Say What You Need to Say

by Geronimoandbemagnificent



Series: Parent!Phan [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, But mostly angst, Coming Out, Dan Howell - Freeform, Fluff, ITS HAPPY AT THE END I SWEAR, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phandom - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, Self Harm, Trans, Trans Character, Transgender, danisnotonfire - Freeform, louise Pentland - Freeform, parent!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 09:19:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5534468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geronimoandbemagnificent/pseuds/Geronimoandbemagnificent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil moved to the Isle of Man after their close friend and surrogate Louise Pentland had given birth to twins, Deila Rose, and Edward "Teddy" James Howell (the fact that one baby became two had been a real shock to all three of them). They'd quickly decided that the city of London was too hectic for the new parents to settle down and have a family, and the Isle of Man was close enough to Phil's parents so they could still pursue their YouTube careers, and Grampy and Grammy Lester were always happy to babysit.</p><p>"No, no, Phil not like that. Like, she seems to be...distant from us."</p><p>~*~</p><p>Parents Dan and Phil learn something new about their fourteen year old son.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say What You Need to Say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Burning_Up_A_Sun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burning_Up_A_Sun/gifts).



> TW: Self-Harm, self-hatred
> 
> For my wonderfully accepting mother, [ Burning_Up_a_Sun ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Burning_Up_A_Sun/pseuds/Burning_Up_A_Sun/works) ( [her Tumblr](Burning-up-ao3.tumblr.com) ). Merry Christmas. I love you.
> 
> (Also remember when I said I'd never write angst? Sorry :o )
> 
> Title from John Mayer's Say.

"Phil," Dan began, turning to his husband in the kitchen. It was stir fry night, and somehow, Phil managed to make a mean dinner with (minimal) injuries, not counting their first time trying in Manchester. That involved a lot of bandages and a cooking class, an early Christmas present from Dan. Three...months early, but nonetheless, the class was put to good use. The smell of the lovely food wafted to Dan's nose as he looked at his lock screen. A family photo, Dan and Phil, Delia and Teddy standing with Auntie Louise, Darcy all beaming in front of Big Ben. Dan was never one for touristy photos, but...tis the season. 

"Yes, love?" Phil asked, his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose slightly as he cut the peppers into strips.

"Do you notice anything different about Delia?" Dan bit his lip, his eyebrows furrowing as he walked up to a family photo of Dan, Phil, and their fourteen year old daughter and son pinned to the fridge. They all donned their yearly ugly sweaters for their Christmas card. The tradition was that each person gained a new holiday sweater that was deemed "ugly" to wear every year. Their daughter's bright red hair accompanied Dan's brown eyes and dimples, and their son gained Dan's brown bed head curly hair and Phil's crystal blue eyes.

"No, she's got your sense of humor and sarcasm and my love for animals--she hasn't brought a dog into the house has she?" Phil looked up, a small laugh in his voice.

Dan and Phil moved to the Isle of Man after their close friend and surrogate Louise Pentland had given birth to twins, Delia Rose, and Edward "Teddy" James Howell (the fact that one baby became two had been a real shock to all three of them). They'd quickly decided that the city of London was too hectic for the new parents to settle down and have a family, and the Isle of Man was close enough to Phil's parents so they could still pursue their YouTube careers, and Grampy and Grammy Lester were always happy to babysit.

"No, no, Phil not like that. Like, she seems to be...distant from us." Dan stood next to Phil, picking out the bad peppers from the bag.

"She's a teenager, Dan. Need I remind you about your teenage years?" Phil teased, hip bumping Dan gently before tossing the strips in. Dan huffed out a breath, rolling his eyes.

"Different, Phil," he said. "She's not herself. I-it's like she's hiding something."

~*~

"So, how was school?" Dan asked Delia and Teddy at the dinner table. Teddy chattered about his day. About the cute girl with the blonde hair and pink tips like Auntie Louise had in his history class, and ' _Oh! Papa, have you heard of this band, Muse? Brendan from Phys. Ed. said they were really old, like early 2000's stuff_ '. Phil laughed as he clutched his "breaking heart", the simple thought that his and Dan's favorite band of at least 25 years, showing their true ages of 42 and 38.

"Dee, no hats at the table," Dan nudged his daughter, who'd stuffed her hair into the hat. She rolled her eyes, ripping it off her head. Her red hair tumbled onto her shoulders, and she immediately pulled it back into a messy bun. "How was school?" Dan had tried to change the subject.

"Fine. Shelby has a new boyfriend," she picked around the vegetables on her plate. Phil raised an eyebrow.

"Another?" Phil asked, shaking his head. "Don't you want to take your jacket off love?"

She shook her head immediately, pulling the sleeves over her palms, resting her cheek in her hand.

"Dee, please no elbows on the table," Dan said. She huffed, resting her arms in her lap.

"Yeah, Dee," Teddy prodded, teasing his sister. Delia rolled her eyes.

"Jesus Christ, is there anything I can do correctly for you Dad?" She sniped. Dan raised his eyebrows.

"I'm not going to tolerate that tone from you Delia Rose. What is up with you?" Dan scolded. Phil shushed Teddy, who was saying ' _ooooh, Dee you're in for it,_ '

"Shut the Hell up, Ted." She snapped, whipping her head back to meet her brother's eyes. Dan banged his hand on the table.

"Delia Rose Howell, I don't want to know where you learned how to talk like that, and I won't have you speaking that way at the table. Go to your room." He demanded. She scoffed.

"I learned it from _your_ videos, Dad." She crossed her arms, matching her father's look. Phil would've sworn she was a carbon copy of Dan.

"Go. To. Your. Room. _Now_." He pointed to the staircase at the other side of the house. She let out a yell, stomping out of the room.

"You're three for three, Dad," Dan sighed.

"Well, you're not wrong," Teddy said softly. Dan shot him his famous Dad Glare and Teddy quickly scurried out of the dining room. Dan groaned, resting his head in his arms, the silverware clattering on the table. Phil rubbed circles between Dan's shoulder blades. Dan shot up, pushing away Phil's touch.

"Where were you in this, Phil?" Dan griped. Phil recoiled, clenching his hands together. "You didn't exactly back me up and make me look like any less of a twat," he growled.

"Don't take your anger out on _me_ because _you_ didn't handle it well. Something's wrong with our little girl, and we have to figure it out." Phil said, having trouble keeping his tone steady. Dan sighed.

"I know, you're right. I'm sorry, Lion." He deflated. He looked over to where Delia's black beanie rested, wrinkled on the hardwood floor. "I'm gonna go talk to her."

"I'll clean up, even though it's your wash night, _Howell_." Phil teased.

"Love you." Dan picked up the hat, padding out of the room and up the stairs. He listened for a moment behind Delia's closed door, and was met with muffled sniffs. He opened the door to her room, all of the breath immediately knocked out of him.

Delia Rose, his baby girl, with a razor and a red arm, her salt water tears burning the open stripes scattered up her skin. Her hair had fallen out of her bun and in front of her face like a mask, hiding her emotions. Dan wondered how long that mask had really been over her face.

He dropped the beanie on the floor and rushed over to her, cradling her close to his chest, wrenching the sharp instrument of self harm out of her arm. She welcomed his touch, crying and curling into her father's chest. He pressed messy, distracted kisses to her hair, more focused on pressing the fabric of his black shirt to her forearm to stanch the bleeding.

"Why?" Dan asked, his voice shaky. _Not her, please God, not her. Don't make her go through what I went through._ He rushed her to the bathroom, washing the dried blood from her arm.

"Broken," was the only thing Dan could decipher from her blubbering.

"You're not broken, Delia." He said, his tears streaming onto her hair. She struggled out of his touch.

"D-don't call me Delia." She murmured. Dan sniffed, hooking a finger under her chin to meet his face, though her eyes stayed shut. Whether it was from pain or humiliation Dan didn't know, and was afraid to find out.

"What?" He pushed her hair from where it stuck to her forehead.

"I said, don't call me Delia." She said softly. "Please." Dan's heart twisted.

"'M not a girl." Delia cradled his arm. "I'm a mistake."

"A mistake? What are you talking about?" Dan asked. "I love you, your Papa loves you, Teddy--"

"I have these," he unbuttoned his flannel shirt, showing his chest bound by ace bandages. Dan gasped, unpinning the bandages from his dau-- _son's_ chest.

"Don't!" He pushed Dan's hand away, pinning the bandage back up. "I _hate_ them. I _hate_ my voice. I _hate_ myself. I don't _want_ to be a girl, like the ones at school. I never have been and I never _will_ be."

"Little Bear, why are you hurting yourself this way? And why have you kept this from your father and me for so long?"

"I-I didn't know, I just scrolled through tumblr one day and saw about something of a gender spectrum, and then I-I got to researching what transgender meant, and the repercussions from the people around them, and I didn't want you and Papa and Teddy to be sad because of me." He looked down at the running faucet, sniffing. Dan called Phil from the other side of the house.

"Yes, dear-- _Delia_? Are you okay?" Phil asked, rushing to his son's side.

"He's not Delia, he's--" Dan began.

"Winston. My name is Winston." Winston hiccuped out.

"My Winnie, our _son_." Dan hugged him close to his chest, running his hand through his son's red hair. Dan and Winston explained what had happened, how Winnie is a boy, their son, not their daughter. Phil walked over, wrapping his arms around the two. He kissed both his newfound son and his husband.

"Your Dada and I love you so much. We didn't lose a daughter. We've got two wonderful, beautiful sons." Phil whispered, pulling away. "Don't be afraid, we're not sad. But this," he gently held Winnie's arm, pressing butterfly kisses to it. " _This_ makes us sad, to see you so sad."

"You can seriously injure yourself with the ace bandages, too," Dan sniffed, unpinning the bandage and unwrapping the cloth from Winston's chest. "Hush, we changed your diapers," Dan teased when Winnie protested when his breasts showed. "Phil, could you grab the antibiotic ointment?"

Phil opened a drawer and massaged the cream gently onto the wounds. Winston tensed up and hissed. Dan pressed kisses to his temple, then wrapped those bandages around his forearm.

"We love you for who you are Winnie, not who you were, or who you were going to be. We love _you_ for your _heart_." Phil cradled Winnie's face in his hands, wiping away the tears with the pads of his thumbs.

"Uh, Phil?" Dan asked, nodding to the doorway, where Teddy stood, confused and his cheeks tear stained.

"I-is everything okay?" Teddy asked, his voice not reaching above a whisper. He wrung his hands, walking to his family huddled over the counter.

"Teddy, meet your brother, Winnie." Phil said, his voice cracking as he brought Teddy closer. Teddy looked between the three boys, raising an eyebrow, smiling.

"Winnie? More like Pooh," he teased. Winnie laughed.

"Shut up, you spork," Winnie hugged his brother tightly.

"Are you okay?" Teddy asked. Winnie nodded.

"Yeah. I'm okay."

Phil met Dan's eyes.

Yeah. They're gonna be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment, kudos, and bookmark if you liked it! This story really hit home for me, being trans and coming out to my parents. I am so blessed to have so wonderfully amazing parents, and I really hope you love this story. 
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr,](https://maggieisnotacat.tumblr.com) [instagram,](https://instagram.com/Maguirebenton/) and [twitter!](https://twitter.com/maguirebenton) and [ come take a peek at my Youtube channel! ](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC79sXkEBXUdDeg8UTYKxHVQ?sub_confirmation=1&feature=iv&src_vid=_FEnvB4OTfE&annotation_id=annotation_2060573417)


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